I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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