You were right. It hurts to walk today.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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