Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
