It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
