I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
