I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
