His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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