I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
And then my night got REAL pukey
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
