i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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