Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
