Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
