I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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