This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
