They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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