Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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