I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
