Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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