I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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