i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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