Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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