I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
