he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
