Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
