the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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