Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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