plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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