Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
