sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
im calling her cock vulture from now on
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
