evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
