I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
