I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
