I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
