Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
