I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
It's like God shit irony all over that family
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
