I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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