I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
