Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
