i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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