I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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