Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
