if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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