everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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