She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
