mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
