I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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