It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
