people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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