drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
