As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
