dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
